pensive meditations

so, as I sat wondering what to title my thoughts. this came and I thought it seemed about where my mind has been lately. I’m a writer so in between times when I haven’t been posting… trust me… there have been thoughts. I have a mind that is busy 158% of the day. so as you can well imagine there’s a whole truck load of thoughts that pour around in my mind. sometimes it feels like that visual I’ve seen of a tanker truck, i’m sure y’all have seen it too. it’s the one where the liquid is sloshing back and forth into 3 different compartments in the tank. and I feel somedays that is how my mind is pouring back and forth.

the three main categories being first my husband, second the children, and thirdly the baking I do for farmers market…

maybe to expound on each topic a little, the first one I could elaborate on until we had quite a long write up. But i’ll try to keep it less detailed and short enough to read. so, idk if you’ve ever had the feeling of living a life that feels less like your own and more like someone else’s. I have had that feeling lately, that I am living outside of me and just looking on at this life as someone else tries to live it. explaining this thought a little more in depth would be down these lines, maybe sometimes you try to imagine what life would be like if you had a husband, what would life be like if you had more money, what would life be like if God asked us to go give some time somewhere, what would life be like if I never have children, what if I never get married. you fill in your blank.

so here I am, living a life that was only previously imagined. I have this house, this husband, this whole new complex way of living, yes, I might mention to you that are single life is a lot more relaxing and you are so free to do your own things as you wish. as many of you know my dad in law remarried shortly before we did. and I was asking mom in law the other day if she ever wished for a tiny bit of her space back. not that I was searching for a deep answer, it was a passing comment, and I realized as soon as I said it that maybe it was because I had been feeling a tiny bit that way lately, because let’s be honest, most women my age that are married have one maybe two children at the most. they have been married for quite a few years and they have their spouses generically figured out. and sometimes I’ve sat and wondered what that must be like. what would it have been like to just get married “normally”? whoaaaa, what a question, but definitely one that resurfaces on the occasion. Not that I would ever exchange what I have, because as a favorite quote of mine says, “what’s meant for you will always find a way”. but I absolutely have questioned God in the last year asking why, he thought this ‘way’ was for me. And the answer is usually the same. the story of Esther from the Bible, as it’s penned in a song, her uncle said, this is a chance you dare not miss, you have been called for such a time as this, for you are called to the kingdom for such a time as this, God has designed that this be where you are, jus touch the scepter held out to let you know, you have the call and with is strength to go. and this song became important to me when I first started realizing that God had this plan for me. and so as I face each day with a song, life is indeed manageable.

now, the next compartment of my truck the children… so as many of you know that their little lives had been shattered more than once. and we’ve been on a journey to finding out how cope with life in a new way, and that’s even down to how use the bathroom on our own! and courage to you moms who are fighting it with you two year olds, start them young because trust me when they’re 5 and 8 it’s definitely a different ball game. I told Chad the other day that when the 4th one gets here I am setting them on the toilet as soon as they are able to sit up by themselves so they can get used to it early! :) #unrealisticgoals not sure if I mentioned on here before or not, but I like to write quotes or saying on my new calendar every year and hang it up in my bathroom where I comb my hair so I can read and have a little inspiration for the day. whether its a verse, or a quote or sometimes it’s a reminder to message someone. this last week each day had something on it to ask my children. so one day I decided to ask them if there was something they thought about everyday. and one of the girls said “a scary show” she was having nightmares about it. ladies, I tell you, it pays to check in with your kiddos even about those tiny almost invisible details. your child is truly waiting to tell you.

one thing that resurfaces here as I stop and think is that a mother must always patiently love. now that word is sort of scary, but looking it up in the dictionary it has a couple meanings one that we would generally think about is with calmness, but then it says without complaint or hurry, so maybe that gives us a little window of being able to sometimes become ruffled and out of sorts as long as we don’t complain too much or try and hurry a situation. because I have yet to meet a mother or even a school teacher that has had the proper amount of calmness in every situation. seems to be a little unrealistic. so one day at a time. one foot in front of the other. apologizing when you need to, hitting reverse and trying again if needed.

and last but not least the third compartment of my truck, and I would say during my time in the kitchen is when I spend the most time thinking and so this could be the longest section of this article yet, but as I bake I do have some time to just go into my own little head space and think about big important things, and how life “should” be.

the biggest thing about it all is a persons perception of life, and how I was raised, what I was taught as a child, how my parents reacted to things, how I was taught in school, which auntie I was close to as a child, all those things shape who I am and how I think and who I am. we all come to adulthood with core beliefs, right or wrong, we have somehow come to believe that some feelings are good, and some are bad. and sometimes as we continue to grow as an adult we realize these core beliefs we once had are just ideas, and we don’t have facts to base them on. we are just merely believing what someone told us or what we have perceived to be truth.

and as a person spends time pondering these things we can figure out for ourselves what truth is. and maybe this is more for an adopted persons standpoint, but sometimes it’s nice to find your own individuality. and how you are in fact not like anyone else. you are your own person. you have your own way of doing life and your own understanding of it. and all of that’s ok. now I don’t recommend trying to go out and question the Bible and try and revise what God has told us. I think there are simple truths in there that remain the same no matter what we perceive as truth. a verse of mine that has been an all time favorite, is “be still and know”. and that’s a truth that will never change. God is always God.

another sub-compartment of thoughts I have had, I suppose you could simply title it heaven. the song the white door was played over and over in my mind this week. and the white door will be opened when it’s my time to go… for I have enough chains to bind me to this life here below… I will run thought with rapture when my Jesus beckons me! for that white door will be open will be open for me… how many times do I say or do something and think what if this keeps me from heaven? I don’t think we need to be bound up by this thought, but it’s healthy to reflect on it from time to time. the end of time don’t need to be a scary thought. but I do think that more of the little things we don’t think about often may bring us closer to being taken off the list to enter heaven. oh my, that’s probably not the real good way to look at it. because I don’t believe that we will barely miss heaven, I think that you are either completely committed to christian life or you are going to miss it completely, but I fear there are those that are going to miss it with just a misconception of what Christian life was suppose to be, it’s suppose to be heartfelt, not based on good works or works. this is a topic that’s over my head still, I haven’t had the brain space to explore it completely. maybe someday I will.

have a great weekend y’all!!!